Six Reasons Why Slender Man is Sexy as Fuck

By Sara Traynor

Have you ever looked at Slender Man and thought, “Wow, that’s the most beautiful creature I’ve ever laid eyes on, I wish that someone would write a list with 6 reasons detailing exactly why he’s sexy?” If the answer is yes, you’ve come to the right place. If the answer is no, it better only be because you’d prefer an infinite list. Even if you don’t think he’s sexy (which I guess is fine, I mean, we’re all allowed to have the wrong opinion sometimes), I beg you to read this list and reconsider. By the end of it, you’ll thank me for opening your eyes and—more importantly—your heart.

1. His Height

Though he’s usually portrayed as being in between 6 and 7 feet (yummy!), the official Slender Man wiki page says that he can reach heights of about 15 feet, depending on the situation. I don’t really know what “situation” would require him to grow upwards of 7 feet, but whenever I think of that smooth, pale face, I wish that it would be from being on a date with me. He would never have to lie about his height on his Tinder profile and then gaslight you when you actually meet up. “No,” Slender Man would never say, “I am definitely not wearing 3-inch platform shoes, you’re seeing things,” even though you’re totally not seeing things. Slender Man is a confident 15-foot tall gentleman with swagger.

2. His Face

Slender Man has no mouth. This obviously has its pros and cons; for example, he won’t be able to constantly praise me for being the most beautiful woman alive, which kind of sucks (among other things). Still, it also means that I won’t have to hear him explain to me the plot of all 931 (and counting) episodes of One Piece, so I consider this a definite win. Jeff the Killer and his giant mouth would probably never stop talking about devil fruit. Slender Man? He’s stoic and silent. He’ll listen to you talk about your day and hold you in his long, bony arms until you fall asleep. Actually, do they sell Slender Man body pillows with the arms attached? Haha, just kidding. Unless?

3. His Style

Have you ever seen this fine man in anything less than a sharp suit? God. I wish I had. Anyways, this man is constantly dressed to the nines, even while lurking in the woods. Call him what you will, but Slender Man is no scrub. Whatever the opposite of a scrub is, he’s that. What’s the word? Oh, yeah, it’s perfect. He’s perfect. According to the Slenderverse lore, it’s not entirely clear whether or not his suit is made of cloth or is just a part of his skin, which I think makes him even sexier. He can dress snappy for any occasion, whether he’s taking you out to a fancy restaurant or just sitting in your living room, being the perfect Creepypasta eye candy you’ve dreamed about since you were twelve years old. “But I liked Jeff the Killer,” I can hear you say in protest. “Why don’t you talk about how dreamy he is instead?” If you think this, then get out. You clearly have no taste. 

4. His Body

They don’t call him the “Slender Man” for nothing. He definitely has the body type of Timothée Chalamet and the long, lovely legs of the Once-ler, two heartthrobs long beloved by many. I don’t doubt that he has some muscle either, what with all the running through the woods and eating people and all. This man has never skipped a leg day in his life; it shows, and we absolutely love him for it. What I wouldn’t give to see his towering, sleek silhouette in the corners of my vision, driving me to insanity and eventually leading to my demise. Whenever I see or even think about his gorgeous body, the term Slender sickness just becomes synonymous with love. 

5. His Air of Mystery

Picture this: you’re wandering through the woods after feeling an enigmatic feeling you can’t quite place, searching for answers in this mystery we call life. Then, suddenly, when you’re ready to turn back, he appears: the most sexily terrifying creature you’ve ever encountered. Who is he? Where did he come from? Where did he go? You don’t know. All you know is that he awakens something in you, something you never thought existed until now. He moves towards you—no, he doesn’t just move, he glides, powered by some otherworldly force. Do you want him to approach? Do you want to run away and escape to the safety of your home? Should you? You don’t even know. This is all that exists—all that will ever exist—this one suspenseful, mysterious, horrifying moment. Time is no longer relevant. Maybe he’ll kill you. Maybe he’ll be your boyfriend. Maybe he’ll do both. You have no idea, but whatever it is, you want it, need it even. Your heart races as he—

Oh god. I’m writing fanfic again, aren’t I? My bad. 

6. His Tentacles

Need I say more?