By Gregory Gardenhose IV
For the past 6 years, our democracy has been in peril by the forces of evil. Among these forces is misinformation spread by white supremacists and neo-N*zis. You are doing a good deed by exposing yourself to our unbiased and reputable news written by me, a certified expert in news and information. As you know, misinformation has run rampant not only across this college campus but all throughout the continental United States. As students at the premier public ivy, it is your’e responsibility to not only educate youre’ self, but also correct all instances of misinformation. Looking back at everything, I still see people talking about “Harvey Stenger”. Ummm, akshully this doesn’t make any sense because Harvey isn’t real.
Yeah, you heard that right. Harvey, President of Binghamton University, is in fact, not real, a fiction, a myth, pure hogwash. While some of the high IQ individuals have caught on to this fact, the silent majority still clings to Harvey like a Trumper clings to his 90s gas-guzzling pickup truck (compensating much?). This may leave you with many questions. How is Harvey not real? Why is Harvey not real? When is Harvey not real? Do not worry, as I shall answer all of these questions (starting with the last one as Harvey was never real).
Upon researching the past of Binghamton University through Pipe Dream archives, I was able to find the following. Back in the mid-2010s, Binghamton’s former president, Howard Buchanan, passed away. While the event was very tragic, during the autopsy, multiple pounds of marijuana were found hidden in his office. This left SUNY B with a dilemma: come clean about the scandal and lose precious crumbs of reputation, or deny any association with weed and give credibility to the stoner crowd and their quest to expand the nature preserve. It was a lose-lose for the administration, however, they were determined to escape this controversy clean. During a secret council in the depths of Bartle library, administrators gathered to determine a plan to save BU from the media and the stoners. Thus Harvey Stenger was created. The plan was simple. During the chaos of the incident, announce that the vacancy for the presidency was filled by a “candidate” by the name of “Harvey Stenger”. Have him give a speech discussing unity and hope and change. Then everyone would forget about the scandal as the 24-hour news cycle continued. From there, Harvey would need only to make sporadic appearances for commencement, and for miscellaneous events to boost the egos of selective groups. It was almost successful. Until a young aspiring journalist, Myself :), uncovered these secrets and now are unloading them to you.
But Gregory, you may ask, Harvey has to exist, I’ve seen him, talked to him, touched him, he is clearly real. He is not real; what you witnessed is just the product of modern technology. While it may appear that there are at least hundreds of pictures of the Harv widely available, these are all just photoshopped. Every picture, every group photo, every cover of Binghamton Review, all modified through the use of photo editing technology. If you look closely at these pictures, you will find that the pixels of the skin, eyes, hair, and other constants vary from picture to picture. Clearly, this is evidence of photo editing at work. Some are even inconsistent in terms of facial features which points to some pretty sloppy work. But who is creating all of these photoshops? Russian bots! Need I say more? As for the matter of Physical appearances made by the Stengster, clearly, these aren’t photoshopped. However, there is a much similar explanation here: it’s just someone in a costume. Yes, much like Santa, the Easter bunny, and Tom Hanks, the “Harvey” we witness in person is just someone in a mask and bodysuit. But who is playing the role of Harvey? Russian Bots people!
So far I have provided evidence after evidence that Harvey is misinformation. However, as an aspiring journo, I, Gregory Gardenhose IV, am satisfied with nothing less than the truth. And so I began my journey to the Bartle library undergrounds at 3 AM to find the truth. After searching for about 21 minutes, I found my first clue; A fake door that blends into the concrete. Upon going through the door, I had arrived at the Bartle back rooms: a maze-like area where BUs deepest secrets lie. In the backrooms, I took the following path: straight, then right, right, left, right, left, left, right, right, right, and left. At the end of this path, I found myself at a locked door with a 9 digit keypad lock. From my previous research, I was able to guess the correct passcode of 800813569. Behind that door, was a treasure trove of secrets, I saw it all: the photoshop PCs, the bots, the Harvey costumes, the sex toy collection—it was all real. Finding all that evidence was too much for me; I fainted shortly after. I woke up the next day in my dorm as if nothing happened. I must have been found by security and carried back home. Thankfully, those goons couldn’t erase my memory which brings us to the present. Thus I bring you concrete proof that “Harvey” doesn’t real.
I would like to end the report with a reminder of who the real victims of this misinformation are: Us! The brave journos who sacrifice life and limb to give the public the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I hope that one day, I can live in a world where my wife’s children can live a life free of misinformation, and the hatred, bigotry, and evil that it produces. Until then, I’ve got my own work to do, and I hope you’ll continue to do your part and stop the spread of this pandemic of misinformation.