By Madeline Perez Let me set the scene: you’re enjoying a nice movie in a crowded theater, shoveling popcorn into your mouth with such intensity you frighten even yourself. The perky, lovable protagonist has finally cornered the target of their romantic interest into some sort of bedroom. They’re kissing. Yeah, sounds about right. They’re taking off their clothes. Hmm, ok. Don’t see what that has to do with anything. Suddenly, faster than a speeding bullet,…
The Seed Oil Hypothesis
Joe Badalamenti One of the benefits of the decentralization of the internet is that people can and will discuss topics outside of the 3 to 5 current trendy events. While browsing the World Wide Web to pass the time, I came across something that can change the way everyone thinks about nutrition: the seed oil hypothesis. This hypothesis describes the harmful effects of commonly-used vegetable oils. While nutritional chemistry and human physiology are very complex…
Marx Was Right
By Patrick McAuliffe You may ask yourself, “But homie, the satire issue was last issue! What gives?” You’d be right, homie, but I’ve come to realize that you whippersnappers are truly and deeply sheltered, for the most part. I don’t pretend to clairvoyantly know where you come from or where you’re going, but after a while in the corporate world (where most of you will probably be going), you may feel the same exasperations that…
How to become a sigma male
By Chad Largepenis What up bros, this is Chad Largepenis signing in. Ever wondered what it’s like to have it all, to win at life, to be loved by men and feared by women? Worry not, because I have come to show you the way of the Sigma grind-set. Using this mindset, I earn 7 figures a day, have 3 weed-smoking gfs, all while maintaining a 6.9 GPA majoring in Sigma sciences with a minor…
Tom Bombadil: Tolkien and Conservative Environmentalism
By Arthur O’Sullivan Rejoice! For spring is supposedly upon us, dear reader! In principle, the weather should be warming and the flowers should be blooming. After a harsh winter, our climate should be fairer. But my friend, we’re at Binghamton University (a premier public ivy, you know). Here a warm, sunny day is as rare as a bad article in Binghamton Review. Speaking of which, I had intended to cover Ketanji Brown Jackson’s confirmation to…
Disney College Program: Is It Worth It?
Tommy Gagliano Hello there, college student. Are you tired of taking boring, meaningless classes at a state university that you didn’t want to attend in the first place? Want to escape the shitty weather, seasonal depression, and crackheads for a semester? What if I told you that you can earn college credits—and get paid—to do an internship at Walt Disney World? What if I also told you that you get free admission to all Disney…
CON Job: The Government and Healthcare
By Shayne O’Loughlin In March 2020, with the COVID-19 pandemic spreading across the United States, hospitals attempted to prepare the necessary medical equipment to relieve the stress generated by the swelling number of in-patients. They had a massive problem, however. Standing in the way of large shipments of hospital beds and ventilators were nearly three dozen state governments and a federal district, all with laws made to destroy fair competition in healthcare. To understand the…
The Um, Akshuallys of Ukraine
By Xanax Anaximander Felicitations, fellow felosofers, it is me, the sophisticated sophist Xanax Anaximander of Anaximander et nil., 2021, fame; since i proved in Anaximander et nil., 2021, that I’m Right and Your’e Wrong (Anaximander et nil., 2021), much has happened in my academic career—after the bigot Sean Harrigan personally took it upon themself (I do not know their gender for sure, hence my use of the plural singular they, in order to counteract the…
Sad Tire
by Leftus Turnus It’s that time of year again, the time of year when we all remind ourselves of all those sad, abused tires. Typically, these reminders come about while watching TV, when those black and white commercials show tires being beaten, abused, and not properly maintained by their owners while some famous celebrity tries to guilt you out of your hard-earned money over a sad backing track. Man, I hate those commercials, like why…
Harvey Doesn’t real
By Gregory Gardenhose IV For the past 6 years, our democracy has been in peril by the forces of evil. Among these forces is misinformation spread by white supremacists and neo-N*zis. You are doing a good deed by exposing yourself to our unbiased and reputable news written by me, a certified expert in news and information. As you know, misinformation has run rampant not only across this college campus but all throughout the continental United…
Help! I’ve been kidnapped by the Binghamton Review!
By Madeline Perez I remember. It was a chilly autumn night when I was first attacked. Walking back from Binghamton University’s West Gym, I reeked of chlorine and resembled a drowned rat. I often wondered why the swim club decided to run practices until 11 PM. Back then, it was best not to question things. My flip-flops flip-flopped like the independent percussionists they were, repeatedly hitting the pavement like one would hit a disobedient wife…
Rising Gas Prices Are Actually a Good Thing
By Gatt Magliano Whether you yourself drive or you’ve simply heard non-stop complaining from those in your life who do, you most likely know by now that gas prices are skyrocketing. From hovering around $2 per gallon just a few years ago to $4.39 per gallon just a few days ago, many are disgruntled about having to fork over their life savings for just a few poots of gasoline. I’ve been affected myself, looking at…
We Need World War III, NOW!
By Mirder O. Crows I have something that I’ve been thinking about for a while now, and it desperately needs to be said: we don’t WANT a World War III. “Wanting” implies that it is probably unnecessary, and something that could be postponed until the time is right. No, we don’t “want” World War III; we absolutely NEED World War III! This has been the long-awaited sequel to human catastrophe that has been riling up…