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By Madeline Perez

Let me set the scene: you’re enjoying a nice movie in a crowded theater, shoveling popcorn into your mouth with such intensity you frighten even yourself. The perky, lovable protagonist has finally cornered the target of their romantic interest into some sort of bedroom. They’re kissing. Yeah, sounds about right. They’re taking off their clothes. Hmm, ok. Don’t see what that has to do with anything. Suddenly, faster than a speeding bullet, they’re in a bed, thrusting. You drop your bucket of popcorn in paralyzed shock. A man near you vomits up his lunch. A baby lets out a piercing cry. Who let this baby buy a ticket to an R-rated movie? The point is, no one wants to see that. Whether it’s the trend of female dissatisfaction, underage characters, or, worst of all, bare male ass, I’ve compiled a list of the top 5 reasons we need to ban sex immediately from all movies and television.

5. Takes time away from a plot

Sex is never necessary to explicitly show in a movie. Every message the scene gets across can be done just as well (if not better), by a simple shot of people kissing hungrily on a bed and a slow pan upwards; the universal cinematic sign of insinuated lovemaking. Maybe even a hand grasping a bedsheet or slapping a car window like it just made a joke about your bald wife. (I.e. the James Cameron method to tell the audience “sex is happening now” through female hands). My point is that in scenes that feel the need to go further than an insinuation, each second spent watching an uncomfortable screwing scene means another second wasted not giving the audience a quality plot. I guess it makes sense. Why bother writing something good when you can just show two people having sex? 

4. Looks stupid 

One of the greatest sins committed by TV sex is that it looks incredibly stupid. Seeing characters being vulnerable like that, making their weird sex faces, looks so dumb because it reminds the audience that the characters are just as flawed and depraved as the rest of us. Gross! Also, I don’t think a filmmaker could make an O-face look cool even if they tried. Tasteful boob placement can stay, but seeing anyone’s naked butt in a movie kind of feels silly. Don’t even get me started on thrusting, which is directly painful to watch. There is no chemical strong enough to cleanse my eyes after seeing that Watchmen (2009) sex scene. Who watches the watchmen? A deeply unnerved and traumatized audience who’s going to need at least 3 years of therapy after that monstrosity, that’s who. Thanks, Zack!

3. Super uncomfortable 

You’re watching a movie because you feel like watching a movie. If you wanted porn, you’d probably be watching porn instead. Having a movie switch like that on you is never polite and makes me want to have a firm talking to with the CEO of Hollywood. These are characters I just got to know intimately over the past hour! Why would I want to see this? What could anyone possibly be getting out of this? I don’t want to be horny right now, and even if I did (which I, for the record, would never do), this simply wouldn’t work. It also seems they forgot to factor in that movies and TV shows are things you sometimes watch with other people. I, and many others, frankly do not want to watch softcore movie porn around our families. This goes double for rape scenes and underage sex, both of which I believe should never be explicitly shown on a TV show. It’s clear that these are only included for controversy and attention, like some fully sequined bodysuit you might wear to CALC 226. 

2. Ruins the characters 

Simply put, banging, time and time again, has marred my perception of characters. The same goes for real-life; knowing the people in your life are having insinuated sex is one thing, but seeing it up close and personal is an entirely different story. It can ruin the whole show for me. Though I think Euphoria (2019) is entertaining, I cannot get past the terrible, unsatisfactory, underage sex scenes. Within the entire first season, it felt like nearly every episode had a scene where a male character, driven by a need for power and control, takes the reigns of a pushover girlfriend who clearly isn’t having a good time, crosses a line into possible sexual assault (which, mind you, is never addressed), until he finishes and jets quicker than he came, leaving her to cry or some shit. Time and time again, neither party would participate for pleasure, and the women seem to always get the short end of the “not having an orgasm” stick. It’s disturbing, serves no purpose, and leaves the audience all thinking the same thing. Wow, they sure are fucking a lot for characters who are supposed to be in high school! All in all, I find it hard watching these characters go about the plot when I just saw them have a traumatic formative sexual experience five minutes ago. 

1. Sex isn’t even real

My last and main point is that we need to ban sex from television because it’s simply unrealistic. Sex isn’t real, and feeding audiences lies about its existence is frankly irresponsible. Many people see sex in media and then feel insecure when they don’t seem to be doing the do like their favorite character. My message to them is: Don’t worry! These things only exist in movies and you shouldn’t feel bad about something that was made up to fill screen time. My message to filmmakers on the other hand; Watch out. If you don’t ban sex now I am literally going to get you. I am in your walls. 

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