By Our Staff
I’ve spent the last twelve months plotting my revenge. Last year I got endlessly bullied for my “cringe” Spotify Wrapped. At 100 Gecs they winced; at Three Doors Down they gaffed; at Maroon 5 they chortled. Ever since, I’ve had nothing in the gleam of my eye besides violent overthrow. Everyday I curated my tastes to the highest degree of refined culture; over one hundred years of recorded music at my fingertips. I am worn, I am tattered, I am suffering from debilitating hyperacusis, but lo! it was all worth it for this very moment—my Spotify Wrapped 2022.
SO WHY THE FUCK AM I SEEING EVERYBODY ELSE’S?! I’m tired of constantly pulling up Instagram to look at some big personality hoes and seeing that purple circle around the profile picture of some loser I went to high school with, and it’s another Spotify fucking Wrapped fucking 2022! Oh, you listened to Mitski for 15,237 minutes? LOL.(Laughing out loud!) Good for you, I was busy investing in experimental designer drugs and stimming out to 100 Gecs! For every mention of Harry Styles or Taylor Swift, I was cataloging listens to experimental 80s Lithuanian Neoclassical Darkwave or obscure Zolo-core Third-Wave Power Pop-inspired Lofi-Indie/Slacker Rock. I bet you haven’t even heard of Forestsynth Gnomecore Punk Snock, where the girls have beards, the boys have rears, and the songs are longer than the albums! Life is too short to fritter away, listening to the same four chords progression in your pop-crap snap-crackle dime-a-dozen yik-yak tableaux, babe. To truly live life, you need to immerse yourself into the metaverse of immolating backbeat breakdowns and half-time schizo spoken-word poetry; if you don’t know what a A???dim13πaug19 tuned to 444 Hz = A2 sounds like in your relative pitch mind-palace, well brother, sister, lover, you can’t even start to describe the intricacies of Bach’s later free-determinacy proto-Jandekian serialist post-alcoholism work.
Hark, the herald angels sing,
“Glory to the newborn King.”
What did you hear when you read that? Some kitschy tune your grandmother might sing at her Episcopalian church this December? And Christmas music is supposed to be the “rich, harmonic” sound of the contemporaneous, post-war, pop-culture milieu. The fact that so many books still name Bing Crosby as “the greatest or most significant or most influential” Christmas singer ever only tells you how far Christmas music still is from becoming a serious art, even if he did put his whole “Christmussy” into that. So NO, bitch, I don’t want to hear your subpar opinions on subpar musicians who are probably all antisemetic anyway. Like Ye, the artist formerly known as Kanye, who has, at time of writing, had a few gamer moments to put Alex Jones to shame, and let’s just leave it there.
On a lighter note, fuck you and the horse you rode in on. If you ever even think to express another under-developed, tawdry opinion on whatever shlock-pop artist like the Beatles, Hall and Oats, or Merzbow, consider yourself holding a fork betwixt the prongs of a toaster, immersed in what will become the most relaxing bath of your life. And don’t get me started on “rap.” Long gone are the days of John Lennon beating his wife to the tune of “Evangeline,” instead we’ve got the “gangstah’s” dissin’ my “fly-girl,” on god for real. Were he among us today, Lord Byron would give himself AIDS in retaliation.
It has come to my attention that this “pre-ramble” has been sidetracked. So here’s the Binghamton Review Spotify Wrapped that I know everyone must be dying to see, and which is definitely BETTER THAN YOURS without a doubt, you basic gen x millenial fuck.
- In Cube Us
- Albert Yankovic
- Gaming Classical
- Gregorian Chant
- Plainchant (pronounced plon-shon)
- Shape of You, Ed She Ran (away)
- Amish Paradise, Allen Yankovic
- America (Did You Get Your Passport), Rob Kelly
- Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, Johannes Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart
- 1 hr Chad Orthodox Chants to Redeem Your Soul, Some FSB Agent on YouTube
Minutes Listened: 15