By Madeline Perez I have never hidden my disdain for the fourth Toy Story movie. Across previous articles and social interactions—even the passing thought of TS4 sends me into a rabid hysteria, wide-eyed and foaming, in which I tear apart the nearest small child or bunny rabbit. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone, as I’ve been told others have also criticized the movie—but in my ongoing effort to stay pure and original, I have…
Magic Words
By Arthur O’Sullivan Gee golly, thinking sure is hard! There’s just too much to deal with: finding the right words, balancing reason and critique, entertaining the possibility that I could be wrong… my room-temperature IQ just can’t handle it! (I can’t even think about what I had for breakfast.) You know what isn’t hard, though? Masturbation. It’s so simple, a monkey could do it! All you need to do is get in the mood, make…
The Ultimate Fictional Bear Ranking
By Madeline Perez We live in an age of infinite possibilities. Often, those possibilities involve the creation of a fictional world, and in this world, a bear. It can prove impossible to create rankings of a genre so wide and encompassing (the fictional bear genre), but in my resolve to lasso the most daunting of challenges, I have since birthed from my thought canal a list. A list to destroy all other lists. A list…
’87: The Secret History of Binghamton Review
By Arthur O’Sullivan (To the tune of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah) I heard there was a secret room Where Mangle was, in FNAF Two But you don’t really care for Foxies, do you? It goes like this, the vent, the hiss, Without the mask, he’s really pissed. It’s Mangle, and he bites in ’87. ’87. ’87. ’87. ‘eighty se-e-e-e-ven. Any zoomer born after 2002 can’t game. All they know is Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria, charge they doors,…
The Ethics of Sink-Pissing
By Our Staff Pro: The porcelain throne is no throne, but in fact an electric chair, and we are all its victims. What Big Toilet has been espousing since the beginning of modern plumbing has been a disaster for the human race. Why, you ask? We have been convinced that the at-least 330 million toilets in the homes of the American public (one for every person) are “necessary” and “sanitary.” But let’s be honest: the…
Who Wrote It: An Overworked AI, or Foucault?
By FoucaultFan46 How’s it hanging, pops? Anyone else need a cold shower after that sex issue? Euuuugh. Why we as a society socially constructed this social construct of slamming our moist meatlets together as some sort of ultimate desideratum is beyond me. I tell you, any pleasure gained from it is countervailed by the realization that you could be doing literally anything else and it would be infinitely more wholesome, like heroin. Speaking of social…
An Interview with Logan Blakeslee, SA Presidential Hopeful
By Arthur O’Sullivan If you thought election season was over, think again! In November, we voted for a bunch of politicians in far away places. This coming Sunday, we’ll be voting for our Student Association members. Unlike high school, this student government has the opportunity to influence campus life for everyone: cutting or increasing student costs, aiding or protesting administrative abuses, fighting for or against student interests. It all depends on who gets elected. To…
I’m Running for S.A. President to Abolish Parking Services
By Logan Blakeslee Binghamton University Parking Services sits somewhere at the intersection of greed and incompetence. Besides Sodexo, there is no presence on campus that is more universally reviled than Parking Services, and for good reason. Its policies have become more draconian over time and are deliberately designed to extract as much money from students as possible. I decided that enough was enough after hearing several dozen stories about unfair ticketing or the absurd inconsistencies…
The Case For Linguistic Universalism
By Shayne O’Loughlin Within translation theory there exists sources of constant debate among scholars in just how we ought to translate works between languages. Among these debates are those between “linguistic universalism” and “linguistic relativism,” and their respective 20th century proponents Noam Chomsky and the dynamic duo of Edward Sapir and Benjamin Whorf. To summarize into horribly dubious simplicity, linguistic universalism posits that all concepts are translatable, whereas linguistic relativism posits that language impacts the…
The Passion of the Spring Admit
By Midas Leung I am lucky to have my family: my brothers, my sister, my mother, and late father. I have always seen them as a priority in my life and I will continue to do so, but it is starting to feel like a moral obligation rather than a familial love. I cried more when I left my friends than when my mom first dropped me off at a college. Matter of fact, I…
Coulter Catastrophe at Cornell
By Logan Blakeslee Something was amiss on the cold night of November 9, 2022. In the prestigious Myron Taylor Hall at Cornell University, a large crowd gathered to hear a guest speaker who carries a certain degree of infamy in American media, Ann Coulter. An author, commentator, and conservative firebrand, Coulter was bound to attract some negative attention while visiting one of the most liberal colleges in New York, if not the United States. The…
There’s No Place for Zoning Laws in Binghamton
By Siddharth Gundapaneni On July 19th, Binghamton Mayor Jared Kraham put forth a new housing law with the purpose of “protecting the integrity of single-family residential neighborhoods.” In an attempt to diversify housing options available for locals, this law will place significant restrictions on where students looking to live off-campus are able to reside. Unfortunately, the consequences of this policy will not be as favorable as the Mayor may have hoped. This law will immediately…
Austrian Economics: A Genuine Fix to Monetary Policy in the U.S.
By Logan Blakeslee Among all mainstream schools of economic thought in the western world, one black sheep stands out. The Austrian School, as it is commonly known, was founded by Carl Menger and Ludwig von Mises in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Their ideas and those of their contemporaries, far from being outdated or incompatible with the modern global economic structure, are quite possibly the tools necessary to save it from collapse. The…
Postmodern Questions and the Project of Truth
By John M. Now, I’m no philosopher, but I do engage with postmodern questions about the nature of truth; I feel like anyone looking for the truth nowadays has to. Postmodernism has this tendency to pop up everywhere. Some people seem to have very strong opinions on it, though I tend to wonder how many of those people actually understand the logic of the philosophy. To my mind, postmodernism exposes the foundationless and deluded nature…
Your Professors Aren’t Supposed to Educate You
By Siddharth Gundapaneni Students are increasingly scrutinizing their academic institutions, often saying that their college professors fail to teach the subject adequately. When asking a college graduate about their knowledge of a subject they took a class in, it’s typically below what one would expect of someone with such a degree. As a justification, students (myself included) often say that professors only “teach to the test,” meaning that professors don’t try to teach a subject…