By Comrade Kevin
COVID-19, also referred to as the novel coronavirus, has severely wrecked political, economic, and social life across the United States over the past three or so weeks. Businesses across the country have shut their doors, sports leagues have suspended play, and, as of press time, the Dow Jones Industrial Average has lost about a third of its points.. Many feel that the next few months will be bleak, and with good reason, as it seems that life may not be back to normal until the summer. We must recognize a simple fact: most of this could have been avoided with more government involvement in all factions of our life. We should use this pandemic to foster changes. This is an opportunity for us to banish the democratic factions integrated into our government and Constitution once and for all, and start the revolution this country needs.
Liberals have been quite vocal in criticisms of President Trump and the federal government’s response to COVID-19, as it seems little preparation was done in advance, and we are behind other countries in terms of testing and density reduction. Why is this the case? Because our system puts too much emphasis on personal freedoms in a way that handcuffs what the government can do. Do you know what the easy solution to this goddamn pandemic is? Some good old fashion authoritarianism. What’s more important to you, some personal and civil liberties, or making sure grandma survives this shit? I know I would certainly sacrifice my freedoms to make sure Sunday dinner goes on without disruption.
Don’t believe me? I’m here to show you all the things that could simply be solved if we were just a little more authoritarian. By now we all know how important avoiding contact with other people, or “social distancing,” is. It’s pretty simple, a virus needs people to diffuse, therefore the fewer contact there is between people, the less the virus spreads, and the easier it is to contain. Everybody consistently vilifies China for being authoritarian, but when this crisis started in the city of Wuhan they were able to successfully force residents to shelter in place or else be severely reprimanded. The kiddos over there may not be able to watch Winnie The Pooh, but at least the government has adequate power to handle a pandemic. For comparison, just last week college kids went in droves to the beaches, ignoring orders from a myriad of government officials. The main problem here is that federal and state governments can provide a lot of orders, but with the current structure have no effective way of enforcing them. This must change.
So how do you enforce effectively? Easy, you look to two of my favorite authoritarians, Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler. Yes, like all of us they had their faults but, if there is one thing they were good at it was scaring their people into obedience, which is exactly what we need right now. I guarantee you they would have had this coronavirus situation under control. You wouldn’t see Chad and his frat bros on Daytona Beach under their rule. You see, if you disobeyed these fellows you’d be certain to come into contact with something called the Secret Police and be risking severe punishment. The extreme circumstances caused by COVID-19 are the perfect time for the United States to form one of these elite and effective units. To make this even more efficient, take inspiration from Abraham Lincoln and suspend habeas corpus indefinitely. Anybody who doesn’t maintain their six foot distance from others is arrested and jailed immediately, no questions asked. Next, go back to our glory days and use armed firefighters in the streets; if anyone is still not in compliance, then the tanks are ordered in. I guarantee you everyone would stay scared shitless in their house and this virus would be gone in three weeks flat.
Others are asking, what about the lack of medical supplies and tests currently, how will authoritarianism fix that? Simple, you nationalize the industries stupid. No longer will you have evil capitalist corporations trying to earn profits. Instead, you will have the highly efficient United States government, which operates phenomenal businesses such as the United States Postal Service and Amtrak. I have no doubt that supplies such as medical masks and ventilators would come out on time and on budget under government control compared to private industry. You see, it really isn’t that hard to beat COVID-19, we just have too many pussies preventing it from happening. All I continually hear is non-stop whining that we cannot let the government attain too much power. Why? Why is big government and temporary authoritarianism so scary to all of you?. Just because you lose some freedoms for a little bit doesn’t mean you are never going to get them back. I promise not all of these changes will be permanent, there is nothing to be scared of. If you want coronavirus to end quickly you have to sacrifice some rights to allow for temporary authoritarianism.