By Pyotr Kropotkin
I am the best person I know. I vote Democrat. I make anti-capitalist memes and post them to my private Blogspot account. I upvote socialist posts on Reddit dot com. I’ve even donated some of my dad’s money to the Chapo Trap House podcast. Therefore, I have earned every minute of self-indulgent moral superiority that I have felt. But alas, despite the constant reminders I’ve graciously given to all of my fellow students and faculty about how they need to check their privilege, there are still fascist chuds who think that it’s okay to own property. (Don’t they realize how racist that is!?!?) So, because I’m so vastly morally superior to you, the responsibility falls on me to explain to you bigots that owning things is theft (except for when the government takes things because that’s socialism, except when it’s state-capitalism, which is capitalism because state-capitalism allows for profit, which is theft, unless the government or my dad is taking the profit which would be socialism, except it isn’t real socialism because real socialism hasn’t been tried yet because if anything goes wrong in any way then it was actually capitalism the whole time… obviously).
Now, I know what you’re thinking (because I’m incredibly smart in addition to being so humble.) You’re thinking “B-b-but Pyotr Kropotkin, how did you become so sympathetic to the plight of the working class when you’ve never had a job?” This is a very fair question to have, except I have had a job! My dad said I had to work at his law firm for a month before he’d buy me a second Jeep Wrangler. That month I spent pouring coffee for my dad made me realize just how exploitative paid labor is. From that moment on, I began using all of my allowance money to support communist Youtubers and podcasters. I only simp for Bernie Sanders supporting Twitch girls, and the only news I read is Pipe Dream. On the rare occasion that I leave my bedroom I only wear my “Workers of the World Unite!” t-shirt, but somehow this has not started the proletariat revolution that I thought it would. As it turns out the biggest hindrance to the Marxist revolution that humanity needs is actually the academic curriculum of college campuses. The problem is the evils of taking an Economics class. For those of you who don’t know, an Economics class is a histrionic relic of the Cold War era United States that tries to indoctrinate innocent college students into the evil religion of non-Marxist economic theory. While I’ve never taken an Economics course myself, I’ve heard that many of them try to brainwash students into believing that there’s such a thing as scarcity. For those of you whose brains have yet to be tainted by the knowledge of such an evil idea, “scarcity” is the imperialist idea that there are limited quantities of things. This is deeply problematic because if there is a limited amount of things, then that means that there isn’t an unlimited amount of money that the government can use to implement socialism, and not implementing socialism is racist.
The college Economics class is the biggest hindrance to our Marxist/Leninist/Maoist/Anarchist utopia! Every other social science got the memo that they need to push a Marxist agenda at every opportunity they get, except Economics. How are we leftists supposed to rage against the machine when some people believe the lies they hear in their Economics classes? It can’t be done! A revolution won’t work unless every single person gets on board with our insular political ideas. The only way to fix this great injustice is to ban the teaching of Economics from all public and private schools and to burn every Economics textbook. Now I know what you’re thinking (because I am a Socialist and therefore I have an IQ of 180). You’re thinking “B-b-but Pyotr Kropotkin! Even if we burn all of the Economics textbooks in every public and private school, there’s nothing stopping the evil capitalist book publishers from printing more textbooks.” And yes, this is a completely valid concern. There is, in fact, an infinite amount of printing materials and labor at the disposal of the capitalists, so the only way we can combat their evil ideas is by purchasing every copy of each yearly edition that they print and burn them. This will be costly, but my dad’s credit card doesn’t have a spending limit, so I should be able to cover the costs for the first few years.