By Jonah Alexander
Hello readers of Binghamton REEEEEEEEE. I am Jonah Alexander, professional journalist at The Culture War Today. After a long day of taking male vitality pills, collecting rainwater, purifying the air from chemtrails, and building a doomsday bunker for the inevitable deep state coup, I have made a shocking discovery—the lizard people have invaded Binghamton University.
Now you may think to yourself, “Lizard people? What’s next, is he going to try to tell us that Russians exist?” But believe me, Lizard people exist and I have undeniable proof. You may be thinking: “Where are the scales, eyes, and other lizard-like features?” Well, that’s the problem. These lizard people have evolved to the point where it is impossible for the human eye to distinguish them from normal humans like you and me. The difference exists not in their physical appearance, but in biology. The chemicals betacine, simpine, and bruhmomentium are found in high concentrations in these lizard people. Even though discovering this was a major breakthrough, there’s still much more to learn. For instance, what is the true form of these lizard people? Do they have souls? Unfortunately, my research funding is limited by the amount of donors on Patreon, so I’ll just stick to what we know.
There are two main types of lizard people. The first kind are called chameleons. You can spot them by their bright, constantly changing hair. This is not dye as you might think, but rather a reaction to the climate. Another type are the bots. Bots spend most of their time on social media spreading subliminal messages and other lizard propaganda, though most of their posts are pretty obviously false.
So, how did the lizard people come about? The Illuminati, obviously. After World War II, a group of powerful men from across the globe came together in an effort to bring about world peace. However, they are the ILLUMINATI, so their idea of world peace is turning everyone into a lizard. At first the organization was weak, but eventually they gained more power. Soon they were able to get one of their own, a man (lizard) by the name of BARACK OBAMA, into the Oval Office. But Obama wasn’t just a fluke, oh no, they’ve been planning this for years. Of course, they were only able to achieve this through the influence of other lizard people, such as MARK ZUCKERBURG. I mean, just look at him. There’s no way that this “man” is human, it’s like the lizard people have stopped trying. Anyways, The Zucc has been stealing data for years to give to his reptilian overlords. Of course he hasn’t found any dirt on me (I use incognito mode). They’ve also had the help of Obama’s second-in-command JOE BIDEN. While he’s been on the sidelines for a while, the reptilians have finally promoted him to supreme chairman of operations.
After the reptilians last base of Area 51 was compromised due to “internet memes,” the brotherhood needed a new place to operate. They chose Binghamton. Why? Well they just chose it out of a hat at random (typical lizard people). So where is their base? After days of searching everywhere on campus (even the hillside apartments and gender neutral bathrooms) I’ve determined that the lizard people are hiding in Hinman Dining Hall! While it may look like a normal dining hall, underneath that layer of dirt and debris is a base full of sinister contraptions. Of course, I’ve been investigating this place for months now, digging more and more each day. Upon snooping around I discovered not only all of this information, but also their master plan. For years these globalists have tried to control the masses in many ways (air, water, food, etc.), but now they have finally found the perfect medium to gain complete control: the internet! You see, the reptilians know that zoomers spend 90% of their time connected to the internet, so they have devised a plan to spread subliminal messages via memes. These messages are orders to submit to the reptilians and become one of the lizard people.
So what can YOU (that’s right YOU) do to stop this? Well, here’s the deal: I am once again asking for your financial support. However, I’m not a commie, so if you donate right now (Bitcoin only please) you’ll receive a week’s supply of Super Male Vitality testosterone pills. These pills won’t just protect you from the chemtrails and radio waves, they’ll also turn you into an epic Chad. Once I have acquired enough funding for my counter attack I’ll contact you to let you know the plans. Until then, just stay safe and don’t go outside.