By Comrade Kevin
If there is one thing I took away from my semester and a half on campus at Binghamton University it’s just how hateful, racist, and horrible the political right is. I was, regretfully, a conservative in High School, and admired the likes of Ben Shapiro, Donald Trump, and even Alex Jones. Thankfully, since coming to Binghamton, I have instead come to adore some of the most accomplished people in the United States: Nancy Pelosi, Bernie Sanders, and Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (who is my favorite person to simp for). These people have fundamentally changed the way I look at the world. No longer do I worry about minuscule elements of society such as the national debt, because why should that factor into our decisions? All that should matter is that everyone is as happy as can be; you can’t place a price tag on happiness.
My transformation started when I got to Binghamton during my first semester. I quickly discovered that most of my professors were leftist neo-Marxists. Naturally, I concluded that if my professors, all with PHDs from some of the most distinguished universities in the world, held these views, then I should subscribe to them too. I expressed these views to my roommate, and he encouraged me to go with him to a College OProgressives meeting, where I was (correctly) informed about the long history of genocide facilitated by white men and the privilege I had been unfairly born with. I now understand that I am inherently a bad person because of the actions of ancestors that I have never met. I continued to attend their meetings and was inspired by their beliefs such as the Green New Deal, socialized medicine, and abolishing the state of Israel (it’s just anti-Zionism, we’re not anti-Semetic I swear).
In just a short time I have learned how truly horrible the right is. For example, conservatives believe you should have to work a job to be able to pay for food or shelter. That’s so unfair! Why should I have to do something I don’t want to do in order to support myself? I should be able to follow my dream to make Marxist TikToks all day, while the evil rich people pay for me to live. Why do conservatives insist that I contribute to their racist capitalist society? I don’t want to! This is discrimination against lazy people and I will not conform to it! Conservatives also believe in bigoted and flawed ideas like “personal freedom,” “individualism,” and “small government.” I used to value those things, but my time at Binghamton University have taught me the error of my old ways.
While at Binghamton, I have seen first hand how disgusting conservatives are. One day back in November I was walking down the Spine and I noticed a group of students with some posters and a cardboard cutout of the Orange Man himself. I could not believe such blatant bigotry was allowed on campus! They stood at a table handing out hot chocolate and talking to people, which was behavior I perceived as very threatening. Obviously the hot chocolate was a symbol of their desire to want to burn brown and black people. Their behavior threatened the safety of all people of color at Binghamton. As such, I immediately searched for a way to bravely shut them down. I was happy to see that others felt the same way, as my fellow comrades showed up to protest in a way that was both very peaceful and morally correct. Despite how the racist right-wing news outlets portrayed it, we were completely justified in preventing their ideas from being spread. We cannot risk any more Hitler Youth walking around this campus.
Days later, the very same right wing groups invited economist Arthur Lather to campus. Laffer is well-known for pioneering the very racist idea of supply-side economics, which cut taxes on the wealthy to help “stimulate” economic growth. What an absolutely outrageous way to think! Doesn’t he realize that tax cuts are bad for people that don’t work? Fortunately, my fellow comrades rose to the occasion again and used their First Amendment right to freedom of speech to talk over Mr. Laffer, because once again, we could not risk our campus being exposed to such hateful ideas from a privileged white man. It had to be done, because Laffer’s discussion of economics very clearly makes people unsafe.
I am forever grateful for everyone at Binghamton that showed me how wrong I was to support conservatives ideas. I am much better off now that I know I’m supposed to hate myself for being white, and hate everyone that doesn’t agree with me. Since others have not been able to undergo that same change I have, I’ve determined there is only one final solution to the problem of Republicans on campus: banish them. No longer should I be forced to deal with them and their microaggressions. I strongly believe that if we eliminate conservatives from our campus, everyone will be happier. I am calling on Harvey Stenger to round up all the right wingers at Binghamton University and export them, so we can allow the revolution to fully take hold.
None reads this shit