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By Gatt Magliano

Whether you yourself drive or you’ve simply heard non-stop complaining from those in your life who do, you most likely know by now that gas prices are skyrocketing. From hovering around $2 per gallon just a few years ago to $4.39 per gallon just a few days ago, many are disgruntled about having to fork over their life savings for just a few poots of gasoline. I’ve been affected myself, looking at the $65 I just spent refilling my car with driving juice, reminiscing about the good ol’ days when I could get a full tank for $30. Ahhhhh… good times. But what if I told you that this increase in wallet suction at the gas pump wasn’t necessarily a bad thing? What if I told you that, while nobody’s happy about spending more money, the benefits of high gas prices actually outweigh the costs? Well, that is exactly the case, so strap in, “dear” readers, because by the time this article is done you’re going to wish that the Russia-Ukraine war will never end. You know, so the gas prices keep getting higher.

Let’s start with a simple cause and effect, shall we? Rising gas prices will lead to less driving, as people will not want to waste gas, because they would then be wasting quite a bit of money. Now we can look at all of the benefits that less driving provides. And I don’t want to hear any of that “it’s good for the environment” nonsense! I don’t care if it “slows global warming” or “makes the air easier to breathe.” That stuff is boring, overused, and pales in comparison to the other benefits. “An InCrEaSe In WaLkInG Or BiKe rIdInG WiLl MaKe PeOpLe HeAlThIeR.” BAH! Garbage! Trash! Rubbish! Another synonym! Try thinking with your big boy brain for once! What good things could possibly come from having to pay more to drive places? That’s right, the more expensive gas is, the less likely it is that poor people will be driving to public places. I’ve got to say, it is so damn refreshing to walk around in public and not see any poories taking up space. It heals my soul that after trading away my firstborn son for a tank of gas, I can then drive away and know that the only people waiting for me at my destination are also sonless. God, I hate children. Almost as much as I hate poor people, which is why it’s so great that I rarely have to see them anymore.

Now, what if I told you that fewer poor people in public spaces was just the tip of the iceberg? It sounds too good to be true, right? Could there possibly be another benefit to high gas prices, and one that’s better than less poor people at that? Well, try not to cream your pants when I tell you this, but there is. I want you to try and think of this one on your own. Come on, you can do it. What’s the one thing that all of us desperately need? What’s the one common cause that we can all get behind? What’s the one thing that you think about and you’re like “damn, we really need more of that in our world.” That’s right, parking spots on campus! With gas prices so high, many college students will not be able to afford to drive to class every day. This is because most college students are poor. Cringe, I know. However, if fewer students are driving to campus, that means that fewer parking spots are being taken up, leaving more available for those of us based enough to realize that high gas prices are good. No longer are the days of driving around campus for 45 minutes to find a parking spot. No longer are the days where I physically cannot go to class because there are literally no parking spots available. The higher gas prices go, the closer we get to the ideal society, one in which no one ever has to wonder whether or not they can park on campus! One in which no one goes hungry… for an open parking spot! One in which all people are equal… in their chances of finding a parking spot… because that chance is always one hundred percent! Ladies and gentlemen, I hope now you see, just how perfect things could be, if we would only let the gas prices rise to infinity.

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