The Demographic Crisis of Monster Musume

By Edward Lamarck Valentine’s Day is celebrated primarily by those with a romantic partner. For the lonesome few left behind this season, some comfort can be found in the genre of harem anime, a staple of modern Japanese television. From High School DxD to the more infamous School Days, the tropes are generally the same: an average-looking young Japanese male suddenly finds himself at the center of a harem with beautiful (sometimes magical) women all…

The Moby Dick Experience

By: John M. Moby Dick, it’s the American Epic: a 600+ page monster considered one of the greatest works of our young nation’s literature. Last year, I spotted the leviathan lurking in the depths of my American Romanticism syllabus, and “proud as Lucifer,” I committed myself to reading it (mostly so that I might brag about the conquest to reinforce my fragile egoistic identity, but this is beside the point). In my near infinite wisdom…

How to Get Laid on Valentine’s Day

By Matt Gagliano Hey, you! Yeah, you; the submissive-looking one reading this. Are you lonely? (This question is rhetorical, of course, as you are reading Binghamton Review.) Do you want something to get the blood pumping this Valentine’s Day (specifically in the penile region)? Well, look no further. I, Matt Gagliano, known sex-haver and “love” “expert,” am here to provide you with a very simple three-step guide that’s GUARANTEED to get you laid on February…

Accounts from a Gen Z Male in 2028 – Part III

By Anonoomer Our hero faces his greatest struggle yet: surrounded in his unit’s Ukrainian bunker by a battalion of Russian zoomers, and constantly being stalked by a supernatural animatronic wolf, he must battle in his very body and soul against starvation and despair. For real… Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick…  …  …  Tock. Like maddening drips of water from a Chinese torture instrument upon my brow, the barricaded mess hall’s clock inconsistently ticked…

TDS: Types I and II

By Arthur O’Sullivan Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS for short) can be broadly defined as an acute hysterical reaction—be it psychological, physical, or even spiritual—to the words, actions, presidency, and existence of the former president Donald J. Trump.  This phenomenon is not necessarily unique to the Orange Man: presidential derangement syndromes have been diagnosed as far back as the Elizabethan era of 2003, when the late psychiatrist and neoconservative pundit Charles Krauthammer coined the term “Bush…

An AI Totally Didn’t Write This

Once upon a time, the board of the Binghamton Review magazine was in a heated debate over the contents of their next issue. Madeline, the editor in chief, wanted to feature articles on the benefits of universal healthcare and the importance of intersectionality. Dillon, the managing editor, was all for it, but only when he had his beard. Without it, he became a completely different person, who was all for cutting government spending and reducing…

New Year, New me. 

By M. Quinn In 2023 I am going to be unrecognizable. Clean break. Here’s my plan.  1. I am going to sleep in the gym so that my body learns how to work out for eight hours at a time. In two weeks, I’ll be able to lift 500 pounds without breaking a sweat. I hate the legs that carried me through last year. The clock struck midnight, which means it’s time to exercise more. …

Politics are Fucked 

By I Hate Dale I’m tired of constantly pulling up Instagram to look at some big titty hoes and seeing that purple circle around the profile picture of some loser I went to high school with, and it’s another copy-paste on why their political opinion is superior to someone else’s. Not only does this interrupt the stories of the people I want to see (the big booty bitches), but honestly it’s sad to see someone…

The Gift of the Bearcat

By O. Crap One thousand BUC$  and eighty-seven cents. That was all. And sixty cents of it was in pennies. Pennies saved one and two at a time by bulldozing the grocer and the vegetable man and the butcher until one’s cheeks burned with the silent imputation of the bulldozer that killed them. Three times Harvey counted it. One thousand and eighty-seven BUC$. And the next day would be Christmas. There was clearly nothing to…

I Don’t Care about Your Spotify Wrapped 

By Our Staff I’ve spent the last twelve months plotting my revenge. Last year I got endlessly bullied for my “cringe” Spotify Wrapped. At 100 Gecs they winced; at Three Doors Down they gaffed; at Maroon 5 they chortled. Ever since, I’ve had nothing in the gleam of my eye besides violent overthrow. Everyday I curated my tastes to the highest degree of refined culture; over one hundred years of recorded music at my fingertips.…

Should Everyone Vote?

By Arthur O’Sullivan Much like that time when I slept with my girlfriend’s twin, I have two important questions: Should everyone have the right to vote? Should each person with the right to vote do so? As confused as the Smith sisters were when I asked them last March, I am nevertheless confident that these questions are essential to the proper functioning of our American democracy. In case you haven’t noticed, we had an election…

A Thanksgiving Recipe to Make Your Wife Leave You

By Martha Stewart’s Tax Accountant I didn’t have an easy life growing up. I didn’t have an easy life shrinking down. The days, weeks, months, years, decades, and half-century of my life have been filled with execrable excretions of the devil into my outstretched hands. When I was born, the doctor said, “Well Miss Bloom, I tried my best, but he came out alive!” When I was growing up, my dog tried to put me…

Workin’ 9 to 5, a Way to Make a Livin’?

By: Midas Leung If you ever watch the news between elections or when a politician is getting bashed, one of the main statistics they bring up is the number of jobs available to the population. Although the amount of jobs has been increasing, we see that most are being given to those who don’t necessarily have degrees but rather people who have connections.  Just before COVID, I didn’t know what to do with my life,…

My Life as a Sigma Female

By Jeffthekillerlover37 I would like to state that this is 100% serious. It is not satire. You might read this and think, “Ha, what a funny and clever way to own the evil, anti-life feminists,” or whatever the hell would go through your smooth little red-pilled mind while reading an article of this nature, and I want you to know that, from the bottom of my heart, I am not joking.  I am a wolf.…

Madeline wrote a creepypasta while jon was at the jail

By our staff THE BEARCAT’S PAW It was a dark, evil night. Really just the average weather in Binghamton, but this night was particularly the evilest and darkest night we had seen in a while. Another Binghamton Review meeting was coming to a close. We had just designed the funniest and most perfect magazine issue the world had ever seen when we were interrupted by a strange knock at the door. Who could it be?…